Lisa, on a train in New York. Hannah, on a bed in Western Mass.

Lisa: I have a bag of Magnolia’s cupcakes sitting next to me. It’s like the clash of the titans: me vs. my will power. And I’m starving.

Hannah: OMG! Dig in! Sorry I couldn’t be more helpful especially since I have been telepathically willing the box of goldfish on my shelf to fly into my bed. As of late it has not done so…

Lisa: BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Hannah: There they are… all beautiful :( but alas, they are so far!!!

Lisa: Phenomenal. Simply, purely phenomenal.

Hannah: I am curtsying in bed as we type!

Lisa: Fuck it, I’m going for the cupcakes.

A few minutes later…

Lisa: Awkward train encounter! I’m verrrry carefully eating my cupcake so that I don’t make a mess/spill. I’m licking frosting off my finger when I look up and see the guy across the aisle legit staring, STARING, at me while I essentially reenact the opening scene from a porno. Oh jeez.
   And he’s still staring.

Hannah: Hahahahahahahhah! You should ask him if he wants to lick your finger… and give him an eyebrow raise! Guarantee he won’t bother you again… hmmm or maybe hell say yes and, in that case, twasn’t a good plan.
   Lol lol. You are the Ron Jeremy of cupcake porn.

Lisa: It gets better, unbeknownst to me, my skirt has inched up to a borderline mini length. Oh cupcake pornos really sneak up on a girl!

Hannah: HahahahahahahaBahahahah who knew you were such a little starlet in the “film” industry? Perhaps the man thinks he recognizes you from one of his frequented sites?

Lisa: Perhaps. I should offer him my autograph. It would be the polite thing to do.

Hannah: Hahahahahahah OMG do it! I’d legit pee the bed!

Hannah: well i am sitting in the library feeling less than sexy

   and i am trying to study and not doing it

Lisa: WHAT?

   being in the library is sexy

   im serious

Hannah: i mean tru. i have my glasses on

Lisa: have you not heard of the “sexy librarian”?

  it’s in the name

Hannah: ooh i have

Lisa: just put on your best “come hither” pout and youve got it made

Hannah: i also chose my seat strategically bc of the cutie sitting next to me

  also i think i am in love with a girl from my art history class

Lisa: i liiiiike. i liiiiike.

To be continued…

For those of you who are wondering, this is what Hannah looked like in the library:

lesbi-love:

If I’m lucky..

A run-of-the-mill conversation quickly gets interesting…

Hannah: have you had lunch yet?
   what will you have?
   what did you have?

Lisa: i haven’t yet but I’m thinking sushi

Hannah: ooh good choice

Lisa: yeah i just need to decide on which rolls.
   which is like choosing what you love most about The L Word.
   impossible.

Hannah: or what you love most about being beautiful

Lisa: oh myyyyyyyyy
   girl you got me blushing

Hannah: i would have to say Carmen and Shane and their sex

Lisa: YEP
   so the spicy roll it is.

Hannah: for our anniversary i will lay on a table covered in sushi and you can eat all of the rolls off of me

Lisa: ala sex and the city?

Hannah: myessshhhh

Lisa: then i’ll need to order some vagetarian rolls.
   no typo.

Hannah: im red in the pants
   and the face
   and the ears

Lisa: mission accomplished.

Here’s a freebie for ya:

As we video chat, we try to come up with an About Me section. Lisa types while Hannah talks… not about the task at hand.

Hannah: You know what i bought the other day that is really disgusting?

  orange-lime juice.

  Tropicana what were you thinking?

Lisa: I think i just found our new about me section….

[time passes, Hannah starts drinking the orange-lime juice]

Lisa: [incredulously] you are currently drinking the juice you just said was disgusting…!

[Lisa gives up]

Hannah: it’s hard being this funny.

it’s Johnny Depp. and he looks like a lesbian. I don’t know which part of that makes me happier.